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| My high school posse then. |
Making new friends has always been difficult for me. I’ve long
suffered from a crippling social anxiety that makes it difficult for me to
enter into unfamiliar social situations. Close friends say that once I relax
I’m bubbly and enthusiastic, but getting there is like pulling teeth –
especially when it comes to meeting men. Going to parties can be hell for me.
All that small talk is torture. I really want to launch into discussions of
philosophy, art, literature and anthropology, but I am forced to feign interest
in what you do or where you grew up. And I’m sure that people can see through
the mask. I mean, no one is that enthusiastic about presidential airplane
pilots, or Bavaria. That’s why I drink!
Over the last few years I’ve been through a series of
personal misfortunes: I lost my job, moved to a new country, my income fell
(drastically) and I went through a painful break-up. The resulting depression
was awful, and I used it as an excuse to simply stay home. Not only was I
socially awkward, I was socially awkward and mildly suicidal – not a good
combination for lively conversation.
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| My high school posse now. |
Recently I’ve been feeling good enough to try and get back
in the game. Had some lunches, met for a few drinks and attended a few parties.
I’ve met a couple of interesting people, but I haven’t really found the
connection I’ve been looking for. Until recently I thought I had some sort of
social deficiency – and don’t get me wrong I’m awkward as hell. I laugh
inappropriately, I often drop the ball in conversations because I can never
think of the next “small talk” topic quickly enough, and I often forget what’s just
been said (partly because I’m too busy worrying about how awkward I am) – but
thankfully, I’m not the only one having problems making friends.
